The First Stage of Abuse “Love-Bomb Phase”
Abusers will get you addicted to "pleasure approval" and "gratification" in the "love-bomb phase." While they flatter you, they watch for your reactions to learn your vulnerabilities and insecurities that at first, they will target to flatter but later will be used against you.
The First Stage is getting you addicted to pleasure approval and gratification in the love-bomb phase.
— This Is How You Get Sucked In —
The abuse doesn't look like it at first. At first, it's nice because you may not notice the difference between Flattery and Compliments.
- Flattery is merely shallow praise.
- Flattery expects something in return.
- Flattery is calculated.
- Flattery is used for a need of approval.
- Flattery for sort of trust-seeking with the other person.
- Flattery is defined as excessive praise and insincere.
- Flattery is used to stroke someone's ego.
- A Compliment is a Genuine Expression of Admiration.
- A Compliment is spontaneous, natural, not repetitive.
— The First Stage of Love-Bomb Phase Explained —
- You meet this person and then they are everywhere.
- They add you on every social media they find you on.
- Tell you all kinds of wonderful stuff about you.
- They are constantly bombarding you with texts, phone calls, long drawn-out phone calls. You may even miss doing other things you had scheduled to be on the phone with them or see them instead.
- They constantly are giving you all this attention.
- They are telling you how Amazing you are!
- They want to know what you're doing all the time and they're spending all their free time with you or trying to.
- These are the things they can say: "You know, you could really be my soulmate, I feel so certain about us, I've never met anyone like you, You are my everything, Let's just get away together, Will you marry me? You are my destiny or fate, Honestly, I’m so excited right now. I don’t remember the last time I met someone as amazing as you. I can’t wait to talk more, I can't believe how lucky I am to have met you, you are the most amazing woman I've spoken to in years."
- Things like meeting their kids, their family, your family will be happening "incredibly fast" instead of normal milestones that normally take months.
- They want you hooked, so they may even say I love you, but not mean it, have you staying over or staying with you, bringing clothes, and moving in at "blazing speed!"
- They may take you out to expensive restaurants or buy expensive gifts
— What's Really Going On —
- They want you to be "Over The Moon!"
- They are pushing for you to commit way too early to the relationship.
- They are pursuing a fast level of affection and sex.
- They are trying to secure your love & trust.
- They want you to get addicted to that pleasure and gratification (oxytocin and dopamine) from them.
- While they are flattering you, they get to learn your vulnerabilities and insecurities.
- Then they are going to target them and flatter them specifically!
- What you don't realize they are actually doing is making you transfer your sense of approval for those insecurities from yourself to them!!!!
- They push past any healthy boundaries that would be respectful and slow and natural.
— Did You Set Healthy Boundaries? —
- Is the relationship super intense and going super-fast?
- Have you enforced any healthy boundaries to get to know them first and keep it slow? If you haven't, you need to SLOW DOWN!!!
- You will see a dislike and resistance when you set boundaries.
- Keeping your Healthy Boundaries can lead to conflict and arguments, them showing intense "ANXIETY" used to manipulate you by transferring the Anxiety, Confusion, or Guilt Tripping over to you!
- They may sulk or withdraw the flattery you are so use to by now and give you the silent treatment or become moody.
- They will start manipulating you into caving to what they want and not hold to your boundaries. DON'T FALL FOR IT!
— They want to look good, and they need to be praised! —
They can't do that if there isn't constant flattery, attention, and adoration to make them look good and for you to be groomed to return it back to them.
Narcissist can't survive without their need for constant flattery, attention, adoration, and praise from everyone for themselves.
Ever see that group of women out together and everyone is being fake, and excessively praising each other with hollow flattery? You know how that ends? The friendships erode into full-on criticism, cruelty, humiliation, demeaning, and possibly slander etc.
The Narcissist is going to pay attention to your reactions to determine if you are going to figure it out and only be around for a little while, or if you are going to be their well-groomed doormat!!
If they think that they can groom you to be their supply, they can love-bomb longer buttering you up, so you become someone that enables them to mistreat you while you take the blame, they make excuses, but you take the blame, you are the one always forgiving and you stay and take the blame, and you doubt yourself not him, and guess what? You take the blame.
If a victim becomes suspicious or even aware of what’s going on and leaves, the love bomber can cut their losses, or they end the relationship without a second thought and move on to the next person in a matter of weeks to a few months when they find their next person.
They excessively flatter you to groom you to give it back like the rest of their admirers.
These Are All Major Red It is NOT Healthy... SLOW DOWN!!!!
The relationship should not be harmed by slowing down or taking a step back.
If they meet your boundaries with resistance, Red
When you start showing signs that you are figuring it out or they don't plan on keeping you around and plan on leaving, you become a "transitional supply."
They start the next phase of flipping on you and start putting you down insults disguised as jokes.
Suddenly, (you), the adored, is now the adorer, and you will be the one scrambling to woo them back, you will be desperate to get back the early days of romance.
The abuser built you up during the love-bomb and you were "OVER THE MOON" on a pedestal, and now, without warning, heartlessly knocked you down.
Now, you have to woo your abuser.
If you do not give your abuser their admiration, flattery, and constant praise, or start resisting or arguing, or making them look bad, you will be covertly punished.
You are likely to receive some forms of flattery, to see if they can still manipulate you and test your level of resistance and if they keep you around.
A narcissist shows their true colors in true conflict, often exposing their lack of empathy. If they feel threatened, winning or succeeding to protect him or herself is all that matters, not consequences. A narcissist’s focus and determination to win at any cost underscore the shallow nature of their emotional connections—to you and to all others. They will be vindictive.
The abuse they use: sabotage, lying, vindictiveness, stonewalling, gaslighting, use triangulation to make things go in their favor, threaten, withholding affections, effort, time, their attention, their praise, they ridicule, demean, give you the silent treatment, making excuses, victimize themselves to their families, friends, and to you, leave you out of the loop, Trauma Bonding, Love-Bombing, insults disguised as jokes or may no longer be disguised as jokes, provoke to trigger reactions and or negative emotions to shame your emotions and make you feel your emotions are wrong and doubt yourself and make you the problem, shift blame, dominate, blackmail, manipulate to control their victim's behavior and emotional state.
- They keep their victims in a state of confusion, anxiety, depression, frustration, triggered, nervous, exhaustion, worried, and detached.
- The abuser will triangulate their victim, by spreading lies to their support of admirers and victimize themselves while covertly being abusive to their victim.
- Narcissists never seem to develop trust in the love of others, and they continually test you with worse and worse behaviors to try to find your breaking point.
- They look outside themselves to solve problems, so they are constantly searching for the next thing to make them feel better: new car, new home, new relationship. They aren't motivated by possessions but genuinely feel their happiness depends upon making these changes. They don't consider how their actions and behaviors affect others by constant changes and will view any negativity from others as a personal attack on them and their happiness.
- Narcissists may seek out friendships with distinguished or well-off people and use that connection to bring up their connection to others or seek out to date people that others believe are attractive to use to boost their ego to others and receive validation.
- Love-Bombing is mainly associated with Narcissists or people who have anxious or insecure attachment styles.
- Love-Bombing, in the simplest context, is used to emotionally manipulate another person.
However, the motivation behind Love-Bombing for a Narcissist is going to be different.
Love-Bombing for a Narcissist will be motivated by their traits merging with long-term related behavioral patterns such as: their need to control, boosting their ego, seeking attention, making themselves look good, impulsive behavior, triggered vindictive behavior, exploitation, to fulfill self-enhancements needs for sex, power, and control.
If you think that you might be with an abusive person or Narcissist, but you aren't sure, please see all the references below for support and reach out to a counselor.
Book References:
Empath & Narcissist: A Survival Guide for Highly Sensitive People by Mystic Mae
Ditch that Jerk: Dealing with Men Who Control and Hurt Women by Pamela Jayne M.A. / Andrew R. Klein PH.D.
Boundaries (over 5 million sold) by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
The First Will Be Last: A Biblical Perspective On Narcissism DC Robertson
Forgiving What You Can't Forget Lysa TerKeurst
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